Love Doll is for Dogs. Perverts.

The Hotdoll is exactly what it looks like. From the tip of it's orange nose to the pink hole below it's tail, this puppy screams "Love me!" Here's a snippet from Idealist :

This love doll for dogs is shaped to be grabbed easily by the dog’s paws like female hips. Hotdoll is designed in 2 sizes to be used by little dogs and by big ones! Its contrasted colors are made to be easily distinguished by dog’s eyes. The body is made by a plastic structure covered with a 1 cm technogel skin to create a soft and molle touch. All orange parts are made of rubber, that way the doll grips on the floor. The pink hole beside (most important part!) needs to be washed regularly for hygienic reasons.

Sure, it's easy to pass judgement on the dog fucker person who would buy this, but maybe they aren't using it as a way to pretend they're making sweet, sweet love to the neighbor's Boston Terrier. Maybe they are genuinely hoping that their dog will hump its way around the room with a sex toy stuck to his wang.

And maybe that dead hooker in my trunk liked being choked...

Virginia is for Lovers. (of Balls!)

If you live in Virginia, be prepared to have your truck castrated. State Delegate Lionel Spruill was apparently driving with his daughter when she spotted balls hanging of the truck in front of her. "What is that, Daddy?" This led Lionel to propose a bill to ban truck balls from the state, saying they are distraction and therefore a hazard to drivers. Lionel also led the charge a few years back to bag baggy pants that revealed undergarments. This bill failed to pass, since the rest of the delegates like thong spotting just fine. If Lionel is successful in his truck castrating campaign, he is going to move on to bigger ballgames... a state mandate imposing castration as a fine for such offenses as rape, sexual harrassment, and, of course, parking in handicap parking spots. Good luck, Lionel. You'll need some big balls for the fight ahead.

Lamp Advertises Sex

This tasteful little number is designed so that it can be mounted over a bedroom door and announce to the world that you are having sex only feet away. It doesn't clarify whether or not you are with someone else, so it doesn't count as lying, as I see it.

It occurs to me that the very act of buying this thing, would insure you would never need it. I imagine the average demographic for it is like, 16-year old boys who like D&D a little too much.

I bought one a while ago, but I'm not sure if I left it on one morning, or if my parents are in my room fucking like he's going off to 'Nam next month. I've been sleeping on the sofa for a long time now. Stupid lamp.

Portable Strap Prevents Groping. Kills Morale.

I guess Japan has a problem with too much unsolicited grab-ass on its trains. That's why they're selling this portable strap. It won't prevent anyone from getting felt up (thank God) but it will help the victim narrow her list of suspects.

I'm not sure on this. Seems like an invitation to increase the amount of dry-humping women will be subjected to. And they hate that. Especially on line at the bank or at Tuesday Night Lamaze class.

The guy in the trench coat still looks like a flasher. You could put a boxing glove with the words "I'm a homosexual" on his hand, and I'd still think it was him. Because trench coats are for perverts. Ask anyone.

The probability of getting felt up on the way in to work for me is like 1:1. Hey. What can I say? It's dark. The heater's on. It's go time.

Sucker Born. Update in One Minute.

The last Sky Commuter Prototype test craft that remains in existence was auctioned off on Ebay last night for a staggering $131,700. The vehicle, which cost $6M (I use "M" for "million" because that's what "newsies" do) in research and development is the sole model that was not destroyed when the plant shut down for unknown reasons. That's right. Somebody out there DESTROYED a flying fucking car. Why not just punch God in the balls?

This sounds totally legit. Not like some guy glued some shit from the Deep Space Nine wrap auction together in his backyard. I totally would have bid on this, but I just spent all my money on Yeti musk.

Here's a link to the Ebay auction.

Office Collar Isolates. Looks Stupid.

The Office Collar was designed by Simone Brewster. They're constructed of white leather, and come in a variety of shapes depending on what sort of task you're assigned. The idea being, in open floor plan offices, it's better to look like a dog with a scratching problem then to...you know...interact with people. I only wonder how you're supposed to know who you're sexually harassing if you can't see them? I guess you just have to roll the dice sometimes.

I used to have one of these, back when I worked as a school crossing guard. Stupid vehicular manslaughter charge. Some people sure know how to hold a grudge.

New Bug Zappers for Date Rapists are Pink.

The new Taser C2 is a personal protector that’s taking aim at the violent, man-hating, female demographic. Available in Pink and Leopard skin prints, these little beauties are just what the doctor ordered for "discouraging" any aggressive, unwanted overtures.

I think this is a great idea. Get tasered really hurts. Stupid mall guards. They really should post "No Peeping" signs in the ladies changing rooms at Macy's...just as a fair warning or something.

Duck Lamp is Terrifying

This one-of-a-kind duck lamp is the work of Chilean artist Sebastian Errazuriz, and just goes to show that there are some new ideas under the sun. This one appears to have crawled out from under a rock.

I think putting this up in your office at work sends the right kind of message. It says "I kill things and turn them into scary lamps. Maybe you should ask someone else." And that is a surefire way to increase efficiency, which gives you more time for porn.

So now you're the scary freak with the headless duck lamp who watches porn all day. The PERFECT cubemate!

My work here is done.

The Moo Moo USB Toy is Cute. Stupid.

The Moo Moo USB toy is a pair of cows that you and your loved one hook up to the USB ports of your respective computers. The idea is, when you miss them you press a button on your USBovine and then theirs will start a soft and mournful lowing.

Sounds great because nothing says "I love you, you fucking cow." ... like a cow.

I have a better idea. How about you just drive over to her place and punch her in the head. You can make mooing sounds while you do it since that obviously helps in some way.

Liquor Locks Protect Your Buzz

With the Holiday Guest season just around the corner, now is the perfect time to go out and get a set of Liquor Locks. For a mere 15 clams, the expandable stopper will prevent anyone without the combination from being a cheapskate, dirtbag, alcoholic (Uncle Pete, I'm looking at you!) and stealing your hard-earned booze.

Seems foolproof. Unless they can figure out the arcane and convoluted process of breaking glass. Tell you what, just mail me $15 and I'll make sure no one drinks your liquor. (*stares at the ceiling and whistles*)

I don't know...seems like I'd have to pick a combination like 1-1-1 because once I'm getting my drink on, carefully manipulating small dials is like asking me to lasso the Space Shuttle.

Merry Blah-Blah-Blah

So since everyone is so jacked about Christmas here's a link to the Who-ville Who Name generator. Follow the link, Enter the Site, Drag the goofy scope thingy over to the Whoville town hall and let the Merriment begin

-Karmic Kurt Sazaphoo-Who

For fun:
Adolph Hitler:
Arbitrator Adolph Helperoo-Who

Genghis Khan:
Gargling Genghis Karu-Who

Idi Amin :
Impressario Idi Aboo-Who

Gaylord Focker:
Gambling Gaylord Funny-goo-Who

Pussy Galore:
Pedaling Pussy Giggle-boo-Who (hahahaha!)

Glow in the Dark Cats are Sexy. Practical.

Scientists at Gyeongsang National University have fulfilled half of my dreams and invented cats that glow in the dark. They are the result of a manipulated fluorescent protein gene that was implanted into the mother cat. Their skin, when exposed to ultraviolet light emits faint glow especially around the eyes and the muzzle.

Fuck solving global warming, finding alternative fuel solutions, or curing cancer! These bastards glow in the dark! Think of the applications! You could go to a rave, tie your cat to a rope and swing it around like a Goddamn tether-ball. Everyone on acid would freak out and get naked, and that's when the lovin' would start. It's all highlighted in my master plan.

Actually,I think they must have read my email wrong. That's not quite what I had in mind when I placed my order. (Get it? ... hint: vagina)

Today's Rotten History

Dec 18 1879

Happy Joseph Stalin's birthday!

Dec 18 1916

Bloodiest and longest battle of World War I ends, with the French defeating Germans at the Battle of Verdun. There were over 1 million casualties, and the Verdun ossuary contains bones of 100,000 unidentified soldiers.

Dec 18 1940

Hitler formulates plans, issued today as Directive 21, for the invasion of Russia. The intent of Operation Barbarossa was to destroy the Red Army. Fighting on two fronts eventually caused Germany's defeat.

Dec 18 1997

Chris Farley is found dead surrounded by empty food containers and porn. That's right...it was 10 years ago today. You're old.

What if Trivia

The producers of Casablanca originally cast Ronald Reagan in the part of Rick.



If they had gone through with this, I wonder if that would have meant that Humphrey Bogart would have been our 40th President? And would he have done a better job considering he had died 14 years prior to his election? I suppose we will never know. I suppose he would have been a little rotted and smelling on the campaign trail. Besides... he was too short to be president. No modern president was shorter than Bogart who stood, 5' 8"... but Bogart would have towered over James Madison who was only 5'4".

Gun Purse is for Crazies.

What with all the terrorists running around snatching purses, nothing says "Don't touch my handbag or I'll kill you." like this little number made by James Platt. It's called "the Pursuader" (get it?), and goes for $289. It even holds a cell phone in the "clip".

The designer also recommends living in the woods and holding this sucker over your head and shouting "Wolverines!" when the Commies finally take over.

Jesus, all I need is one more reason to be intimidated by women. What's next? A rocket launcher that shoots tampons? Now THAT'S "feminine protection"!

Funny Phobias

Apeirophobia- Fear of the Infinite
Arachibutyrophobia — fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth
Aulophobia — fear of flutes
Automatonophobia — fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures or wax statues
Bolshephobia — fear of Bolsheviks
Coitophobia — fear of coitus, sex, or sexual intercourse
Coprastasophobia — fear of constipation
Coulrophobia — fear of clowns
Cyprianophobia — fear of prostitutes, venereal disease, or STDs
Defecaloesiophobia — fear of painful bowels movements
Dishabiliophobia — fear of undressing in front of someone
Dutchphobia — fear of the Netherlands, the Dutch, Dutch Culture
Ephebiphobia — fear of teenagers
Euphobia — fear of hearing good news
Geniophobia — fear of chins
Hadephobia — fear of hell (who isn't afraid of this)
Helminthophobia — fear of being infested with worms
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia — fear of long words
Homilophobia — fear of sermons
Kolpophobia — fear of genitals, particularly female
Lachanophobia — fear of vegetables
Lutraphobia —fear of otters
Medomalacuphobia — fear of losing an erection
Oneirogmophobia — fear of wet dreams
Papaphobia — fear of the Pope
Parthenophobia — fear of virgins or young girls
Pentheraphobia — fear of mother-in-law
Pogonophobia — fear of beards
Proctophobia — fear of rectums
Scriptophobia —fear of writing in public
Walloonphobia — fear of the Walloons

Pills Make Poop Sparkle. Are Expensive

For a mere $425 you can buy these pills filled with 24K gold leaf to "Increase your internal worth".

Even if my feces were filled with gold, I would be at a loss as to what to do with it. It's not like you can put it in a gift box with a pretty silk ribbon and give it away to that "someone special" over a fancy dinner at a four star restaurant.

I mean, I couldn't...my aim wasn't good enough.

Here's the link if you're interested. Sicko.