Cornbrator is Vegeterrible.

The Cornbrator is a... wait...do I even have to say anything. I think 'Hyper Wank Device" sorta says it all, no? I think more vegetables should be made sexy. I'm all about the Carroticism.

I like how they've incorporated "Sexual Harassment" right into the title. That made it easier to explain to the undercover lady cop in the bar who suddenly found this jammed up her ass. Allegedly.

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Perfect Storm of Breasts,Beer Discovered.

The Boob Tube (link NSFW!!) is the perfect gift for the frat boy blackmailing you because of that mistake you made and your stupid state's statutory rape laws. (Screw You, D.A.!) It is elegant in its simplicity. It's a beer bong, only instead of drinking out of a tube, you drink out of a bewb. Not to be sexist, the company also makes a "Dong Bong" (still NSFW!) but I don't want to talk about that as it makes my penis jealous.

I don't know how those marketing guys got into my dreams, but if anyone puts out a sex doll shaped like a unicorn that shoots diamonds out of its ass when you orgasm inside of it, I am This guy I know is totally suing.

LifeClock Looks Great. Depressing.

The Life Clock is an invention of Bertrand Planes, and it measures actual years of your life instead of boring old time-of-day. Simply set the clock to your age and watch with growing despair and crippling depression as your time on Earth unflinchingly slips away from you. Fun!

If I had one of these I would totally use it to justify my alcoholism. I'd say "According to MY clock, I still have another 8 years of Happy Hour!" I would be saying this to my shoes, in a dark alley that smelled like feces, after puking my guts up on a dead rat. I mean...if all goes according to plan.

New Periodic Table Is 100% Awesomer

The Periodic Table of Awesoments is the greatest thing mankind ever invented in the history of everything. If you don't believe me, look it up. It covers all the bits of awesomeness that make up the universe starting with elemental Bacon. From the website, The Dapperstache:

"In the 300 B.C., years before the birth of black Jesus, Aristotle postulated that all good things were made of "win." That was a pretty good guess, but he was drunk and probably also having an orgy."

Case closed, as far as I am concerned.

Beer Belt Perfect for Sports Fans. Alcoholics.

The Beer Belt is an ingenious device that allows you to wear your "Magical Issue Avoidance Juice" around your waist, giving you easier access to your blackouts. It's like a utility belt for alcoholics! The design is such that you can have up to four bottles on you at any given time thus saving your battered wife 3 unnecessary, time-wasting, trips to the fridge when she could be making your goddamn dinner. Sleeveless T-shirt and easy chair not included.

I had one of these, but I lost it in Washington DC. The Secret Service frowns upon people who hop the fence at the White House, crack open a cold one and start pissing on the lawn while yelling "Georgie! C'mon out, you redneck suminabitch!"
Apparently that Easter Egg Hunt is a tradition or something.

Alarm Clock Wakes With Pork

The Wake N' Bacon is a device created by God, specifically for me. It uses a bunch of electronic stuff that I don't understand to cook bacon for your enjoyment at a pre-selected time. No braying alarm...just the tangy, salty joy of wafting bacon smell.

Created by Matty Sallin, Daniel Bartolini and Hsiao-huh Hsu, the Wake N' Bacon is the perfect gift for the spouse who you are passive-aggressively trying to kill, or any other sweat-pant wearing acquaintance who has given up on their life.

I could have read the article, but there were a bunch of words I didn't know in there, so I just walked away from the computer and fucked a sock for a while. If I had this alarm clock I could have planned for Mom's getting home from work a little better and saved myself some embarrassment. Oh well, it's not like she's never seen THAT before.

Footrest Signals Robot Apocalypse

Robostool is a motorized footrest that follows you around the house using elaborate sensors and industrial strength wheels, waiting for you to need a place to rest your dogs. Built by a guy being dragged through a Bed, Bath, and Beyond, the Robostool attempts to find its core audience among those people too lazy to find a place to put up their feet on their own. Yay Sloth!

I bought one of these and I think the randy bugger is trying to get it on with the Roomba. Where's the part where it becomes self-aware and tries to take over the world? This thing just wants to bang my vacuum cleaner. This is the dumbest robot uprising ever.

A video of Robostool in "action": Here

Slutometer Counts Boyfriends. Mistakes.

The Slutometer is a handy gadget for the whore in your life. It allows her (or him for the man-whores) to keep a running tally of the faceless men (or women) they've screwed without the tedious chore of remembering names. Plus, it gives the denominator when trying to figure out the probability that any one faceless person they banged in drunken stupor gave them The Clap. Handy!

I found one of these in Mom's dresser drawer while I was sniffing her underwear stealing her change looking for the cure for HIV. It turns out you can't go higher than 999 on it. So HA! Mom's NOT a whore after all!

Segways Used In Olympic Prep. Terrorists Win.

In a bold move, the Chinese government has deployed thousands of armed troops on Segways to Bejing, to serve as a terrorism deterrent at the Olympic Games. Sources close to the Communist government said the thought was, that if they could get the terrorists laughing hard enough, maybe they'd just "...realize they are being dicks and go home."

Seriously. If I saw a guy coming at me fast on one of these things, it wouldn't matter if he was wielding a bazooka filled with cobras...I'd still laugh at him. I'd be all "You're such a dork!" and then he'd be all "Eat snake, terrorist!" and I'd be all "It looks like you're pooping!" and then I would succumb to my injuries. But I'd still be laughing at him.

iPhone Peripheral Scares Parents, Cops.

iGiveUp is a neat peripheral you can make for your iPhone so that it looks like you're sticking a gun in your ear. Ha.Ha.Ha.

Get it?

It's funny because you'll make everyone within 10 feet of you shit their pants and need therapy.

Or better yet take it to the airport and start waving it around screaming "I need to make a call!" Those TSA guys will get a big kick out of it. They have the BEST sense of humor.

Massage Pants Answer My Prayers.

The Wenzhou Wonderful Massage Pants, manufactured by very impressive sounding "Wenzhou Wonderful Massage Equipment Co., Ltd.", are a dream come true. They feature 7 unique vibration "massagers" and a ring of infrared heaters. They allow for many different massage options, including a timed massage that you can set to last for up to 20 minutes...which for me, would be a new record.

They fit easily under your regular pants, so they can be easily worn anywhere... like to the bushes behind the elementary school playground or a restraining order court appearance or wherever.

I bought a pair of these last week. Mom found me several hours later, lying on the floor of the bathroom with the JCPenney catalog, passed out and bleeding from the head. Turns out, you can't let any moisture get to that battery pack. I probably took a couple hundred volts.

I'm pretty sure the pants worked great. Unfortunately, I can't remember too much because the heart attack made me blackout for a while.

Mousepad Cover Makes Your Life Sadder

Once again, Japan dominates as the single pervy-est place on the planet. This Skirt Mousepad cover is the perfect gift for the registered sex offender in your life. You simply put the mousepad inside the skirt and then start clicking away. You can scroll around and pretend that instead of messing around on the internet you're in the backseat of a rusty Impala in the parking lot before a Motley Crue concert.

It perfectly simulates those best three seconds of your life before the stupid vice cop arrested you for date rape. The only difference being a real girl doesn't stop working if you use too much hand lotion. Ziiinnnnggg!!

Potty Monkey Teaches / Scars Children.

The Potty Monkey is a stuffed animal that will teach your children the value of going to the bathroom on a toilet. Inside the cute plush there is a timer that the parent sets to go off at 30 to 90 minute intervals.

When the clock runs out the monkey asks the child to put it on the toilet and announces how much better it feels now. If the kid doesn't get it to the toilet in time it says "“Oh no! I had an accident! Please take me to the potty next time!",then it shits in their hand.

Okay... I made that "shits in their hand" part up.

I tried to do the same thing with my Mom, but I just ended up peeing all over myself every time. I wish I was a cuddly Piss Monkey and not an overweight computer dork living off Dad's Heart medication payments.

Glitter Gun Revolutionalizes Sluttiness

The Glitter Gun is the perfect gift for the ladies who are too pressed for time to manually apply that magical sparkle. For a paltry $8 you get the gun and 3 cartridges. Each cartridges hold 6 shots.

Last time I had need for one of these, me and my "date" were rushing out the door to go to some fancy gala. I said "Wait! Let's get you a little more whored-up" and then I shot her in the face. It was cathartic.

Mom looked so dazzling that night.

New Sports Bra Tracks Heart Rate. Scares.

The NuMetrex Sports Bra contains a lower band of electron sensors that monitor your heart rate and then beams the information to a watch so that you can maximize your workout. It sells for $50 with a higher-end model (the F6), which also monitors calories and fat burned. Seems like a good deal, except now your tits look like Darth Vader.

It is available in five colors, but if you buy red or "razzleberry" NuMetrex will donate $5 to the American Heart Association.
You should do this. Your hooters are supposed to bring balance to The Force.

I wish that hooker I was with had one of these. It would have come in handy after I choked her to death. I could have taken the time for a "bio-sweep" instead of accidently cuddling the corpse and telling her how special she was. Stupid tattle-tale semen.

Lamp Shines on Your Junk. Is Disgusting.

The Oral Sex Light couldn't be more accurately named. There's not a whole lot more to say about it really. I think if you need a light to see what your doing down there, maybe you need to re-examine your relationship.

What are you afraid will jump out at you? Spiders? Bats, like in the opening sequence to "Scooby Doo, Where Are You"? If you're that unsure of your lover's cleanliness, maybe it's time to move on.

One time, my mom this chick was telling me that cunnilingus is the truest expression of love. I woulda shone the light right in her eyes, like a cop, and told her to shut the fuck up and quit cryin' if I had this sucker on.

Bluetooth-Enabled Burka Makes My Head Hurt.

The CharmingBurka is a bluetooth-enabled garment that sends an pre-chosen image of the wearer to any nearby,compatible device. The Burka is equipped with bluetooth antenna/micro-controller and uses the OBEX protocol, already working with most mobile phones.

This means that any devout Muslim woman can follow the tenants of the Koran, while still putting it out there to get their freak on.

I wore one of these to a bar last night, and broadcast a picture I THOUGHT was of a really well-hung stud-muffin. Turns out it was a tranny though. Stupid low-res thumbnails.

Now I have to figure out a way out of my date with Lance tonight, who's into "jazz" and "spooning"...whatever THAT means.

Armor for Cats is Sweet.

Jeff de Boer is an artist who believes that animals would be way more awesome if they were armored. He has been making suits of armor for animals since the early 90's. His works include battle suits for cats, dogs, and mice. Here's a link to a whole steaming pile of awesome.

I tried to put armor on my cat once. It just looked at me funny and later it had diarrhea in my shoe. Of course, by "armor" I mean I covered it in Silly String, and by "once" I mean "all the time". I hate that fucking cat.

Love Doll is for Dogs. Perverts.

The Hotdoll is exactly what it looks like. From the tip of it's orange nose to the pink hole below it's tail, this puppy screams "Love me!" Here's a snippet from Idealist :

This love doll for dogs is shaped to be grabbed easily by the dog’s paws like female hips. Hotdoll is designed in 2 sizes to be used by little dogs and by big ones! Its contrasted colors are made to be easily distinguished by dog’s eyes. The body is made by a plastic structure covered with a 1 cm technogel skin to create a soft and molle touch. All orange parts are made of rubber, that way the doll grips on the floor. The pink hole beside (most important part!) needs to be washed regularly for hygienic reasons.

Sure, it's easy to pass judgement on the dog fucker person who would buy this, but maybe they aren't using it as a way to pretend they're making sweet, sweet love to the neighbor's Boston Terrier. Maybe they are genuinely hoping that their dog will hump its way around the room with a sex toy stuck to his wang.

And maybe that dead hooker in my trunk liked being choked...

Virginia is for Lovers. (of Balls!)

If you live in Virginia, be prepared to have your truck castrated. State Delegate Lionel Spruill was apparently driving with his daughter when she spotted balls hanging of the truck in front of her. "What is that, Daddy?" This led Lionel to propose a bill to ban truck balls from the state, saying they are distraction and therefore a hazard to drivers. Lionel also led the charge a few years back to bag baggy pants that revealed undergarments. This bill failed to pass, since the rest of the delegates like thong spotting just fine. If Lionel is successful in his truck castrating campaign, he is going to move on to bigger ballgames... a state mandate imposing castration as a fine for such offenses as rape, sexual harrassment, and, of course, parking in handicap parking spots. Good luck, Lionel. You'll need some big balls for the fight ahead.