Friday, October 31, 2008

Suction Cup makes Bathroom Sex Stable. Awkward.

The "Shower Power" is a giant suction cup that you can stick to any smooth surface, and creates a handle to better facilitate the awesomeness of your intimate encounters. Be it in the bathroom, the shower of the girl's locker room, or in the back of some featureless white van that no one even bats an eye when you rent despite the number of "watched" lists you are on, The Shower Power will help you get the job done.

I have sex in the bathroom all the time and I don't need this. My lady knows what to grip just fine on her own. And I don't necessarily mean to imply that my "lady" is my hand, but if you take it that way then that's on you, my very sleuthy perv-friend.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

"Fuck You" Umbrella is a Bad Idea.

This umbrella was made with this specific intention of pissing off God. Because that always seems like a good idea. He/She doesn't have a history of fucking people up when they make Him/Her angry. When your biggest piece of propaganda is a book that spends the first two chapters talking about how you like to decimate humanity indiscriminately, you are too bad-ass for me to pick a fight with you.

I think a better plan would be to just beat up some blind orphans. That way you can still anger The Almighty, without standing in a rainstorm holding, what amounts to a lightning rod, should He/She decide you are being too "dicky".

Besides, it would be's not like they would know to duck or anything.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Blow Up Sheep Has Sounds. Bad Puns.

The inflatable Talking Sheep "doll" is the first of it's kind to feature Action-Activated sounds, making it a lot like a burglar alarm, except instead of trying to slip into Old Man McMurry's house to steal his rare collection of postage stamps, you're trying to slip your cock into a plastic sheep. Fun Game!

I don't know it seems to me that any acts of simulated bestiality are better off kept quiet. It wouldn't do at all to be boning your pretend, wooly love machine and have some snooty high-class type walk into the coatroom because he heard it all the "baa"ing. Again. Oh, don't look at me like that. Like I'm the only one.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Asscakes May Not Be Appetizing

Good of Desire, a Hong Kong based retailer, is selling these delicious moon cakes. Get it? They are cakes called "moon cakes" but they're shaped like asses. I like when retailers are clever.You have your choice of several different phases, but I personally like the one with the hands spreading the cheeks. Mmmm mmm!

Because nothing says "classy" like a fully exposed anus. Ask anyone. You can start with the bitch at the bank who wouldn't roll my change for me. She knows what "classy" looks like. And now I know why they have all those cameras. Stupid mole.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Virginity Kit Announced. Geeks Rejoice.

The First Timer's Kit is an emergency medical response to the growing epidemic of people who aren't getting laid. Each kit comes with an informative textbook, kama sutra flash cards, an official diploma and 10 heroes of intercourse cards. One of the heroes is Shatner as Captain Kirk, in case anyone was wondering who the target demographic for this item was.

I tried to convince my significant other that it would be fun to play "go fish" with the Kama Sutra cards. But then I remembered my "significant other" is my hand. So we just played solitaire and wiped tears instead.