Massage Pants Answer My Prayers.

The Wenzhou Wonderful Massage Pants, manufactured by very impressive sounding "Wenzhou Wonderful Massage Equipment Co., Ltd.", are a dream come true. They feature 7 unique vibration "massagers" and a ring of infrared heaters. They allow for many different massage options, including a timed massage that you can set to last for up to 20 minutes...which for me, would be a new record.

They fit easily under your regular pants, so they can be easily worn anywhere... like to the bushes behind the elementary school playground or a restraining order court appearance or wherever.

I bought a pair of these last week. Mom found me several hours later, lying on the floor of the bathroom with the JCPenney catalog, passed out and bleeding from the head. Turns out, you can't let any moisture get to that battery pack. I probably took a couple hundred volts.

I'm pretty sure the pants worked great. Unfortunately, I can't remember too much because the heart attack made me blackout for a while.

Mousepad Cover Makes Your Life Sadder

Once again, Japan dominates as the single pervy-est place on the planet. This Skirt Mousepad cover is the perfect gift for the registered sex offender in your life. You simply put the mousepad inside the skirt and then start clicking away. You can scroll around and pretend that instead of messing around on the internet you're in the backseat of a rusty Impala in the parking lot before a Motley Crue concert.

It perfectly simulates those best three seconds of your life before the stupid vice cop arrested you for date rape. The only difference being a real girl doesn't stop working if you use too much hand lotion. Ziiinnnnggg!!

Potty Monkey Teaches / Scars Children.

The Potty Monkey is a stuffed animal that will teach your children the value of going to the bathroom on a toilet. Inside the cute plush there is a timer that the parent sets to go off at 30 to 90 minute intervals.

When the clock runs out the monkey asks the child to put it on the toilet and announces how much better it feels now. If the kid doesn't get it to the toilet in time it says "“Oh no! I had an accident! Please take me to the potty next time!",then it shits in their hand.

Okay... I made that "shits in their hand" part up.

I tried to do the same thing with my Mom, but I just ended up peeing all over myself every time. I wish I was a cuddly Piss Monkey and not an overweight computer dork living off Dad's Heart medication payments.