Friday, January 25, 2008

Love Doll is for Dogs. Perverts.

The Hotdoll is exactly what it looks like. From the tip of it's orange nose to the pink hole below it's tail, this puppy screams "Love me!" Here's a snippet from Idealist :

This love doll for dogs is shaped to be grabbed easily by the dog’s paws like female hips. Hotdoll is designed in 2 sizes to be used by little dogs and by big ones! Its contrasted colors are made to be easily distinguished by dog’s eyes. The body is made by a plastic structure covered with a 1 cm technogel skin to create a soft and molle touch. All orange parts are made of rubber, that way the doll grips on the floor. The pink hole beside (most important part!) needs to be washed regularly for hygienic reasons.

Sure, it's easy to pass judgement on the dog fucker person who would buy this, but maybe they aren't using it as a way to pretend they're making sweet, sweet love to the neighbor's Boston Terrier. Maybe they are genuinely hoping that their dog will hump its way around the room with a sex toy stuck to his wang.

And maybe that dead hooker in my trunk liked being choked...

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Virginia is for Lovers. (of Balls!)


If you live in Virginia, be prepared to have your truck castrated. State Delegate Lionel Spruill was apparently driving with his daughter when she spotted balls hanging of the truck in front of her. "What is that, Daddy?" This led Lionel to propose a bill to ban truck balls from the state, saying they are distraction and therefore a hazard to drivers. Lionel also led the charge a few years back to bag baggy pants that revealed undergarments. This bill failed to pass, since the rest of the delegates like thong spotting just fine. If Lionel is successful in his truck castrating campaign, he is going to move on to bigger ballgames... a state mandate imposing castration as a fine for such offenses as rape, sexual harrassment, and, of course, parking in handicap parking spots. Good luck, Lionel. You'll need some big balls for the fight ahead.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Lamp Advertises Sex

This tasteful little number is designed so that it can be mounted over a bedroom door and announce to the world that you are having sex only feet away. It doesn't clarify whether or not you are with someone else, so it doesn't count as lying, as I see it.

It occurs to me that the very act of buying this thing, would insure you would never need it. I imagine the average demographic for it is like, 16-year old boys who like D&D a little too much.

I bought one a while ago, but I'm not sure if I left it on one morning, or if my parents are in my room fucking like he's going off to 'Nam next month. I've been sleeping on the sofa for a long time now. Stupid lamp.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Portable Strap Prevents Groping. Kills Morale.

I guess Japan has a problem with too much unsolicited grab-ass on its trains. That's why they're selling this portable strap. It won't prevent anyone from getting felt up (thank God) but it will help the victim narrow her list of suspects.

I'm not sure on this. Seems like an invitation to increase the amount of dry-humping women will be subjected to. And they hate that. Especially on line at the bank or at Tuesday Night Lamaze class.

The guy in the trench coat still looks like a flasher. You could put a boxing glove with the words "I'm a homosexual" on his hand, and I'd still think it was him. Because trench coats are for perverts. Ask anyone.

The probability of getting felt up on the way in to work for me is like 1:1. Hey. What can I say? It's dark. The heater's on. It's go time.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Sucker Born. Update in One Minute.

The last Sky Commuter Prototype test craft that remains in existence was auctioned off on Ebay last night for a staggering $131,700. The vehicle, which cost $6M (I use "M" for "million" because that's what "newsies" do) in research and development is the sole model that was not destroyed when the plant shut down for unknown reasons. That's right. Somebody out there DESTROYED a flying fucking car. Why not just punch God in the balls?

This sounds totally legit. Not like some guy glued some shit from the Deep Space Nine wrap auction together in his backyard. I totally would have bid on this, but I just spent all my money on Yeti musk.

Here's a link to the Ebay auction.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Office Collar Isolates. Looks Stupid.

The Office Collar was designed by Simone Brewster. They're constructed of white leather, and come in a variety of shapes depending on what sort of task you're assigned. The idea being, in open floor plan offices, it's better to look like a dog with a scratching problem then know...interact with people. I only wonder how you're supposed to know who you're sexually harassing if you can't see them? I guess you just have to roll the dice sometimes.

I used to have one of these, back when I worked as a school crossing guard. Stupid vehicular manslaughter charge. Some people sure know how to hold a grudge.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

New Bug Zappers for Date Rapists are Pink.

The new Taser C2 is a personal protector that’s taking aim at the violent, man-hating, female demographic. Available in Pink and Leopard skin prints, these little beauties are just what the doctor ordered for "discouraging" any aggressive, unwanted overtures.

I think this is a great idea. Get tasered really hurts. Stupid mall guards. They really should post "No Peeping" signs in the ladies changing rooms at Macy's...just as a fair warning or something.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Duck Lamp is Terrifying

This one-of-a-kind duck lamp is the work of Chilean artist Sebastian Errazuriz, and just goes to show that there are some new ideas under the sun. This one appears to have crawled out from under a rock.

I think putting this up in your office at work sends the right kind of message. It says "I kill things and turn them into scary lamps. Maybe you should ask someone else." And that is a surefire way to increase efficiency, which gives you more time for porn.

So now you're the scary freak with the headless duck lamp who watches porn all day. The PERFECT cubemate!

My work here is done.