Wednesday, February 27, 2008

New Sports Bra Tracks Heart Rate. Scares.

The NuMetrex Sports Bra contains a lower band of electron sensors that monitor your heart rate and then beams the information to a watch so that you can maximize your workout. It sells for $50 with a higher-end model (the F6), which also monitors calories and fat burned. Seems like a good deal, except now your tits look like Darth Vader.

It is available in five colors, but if you buy red or "razzleberry" NuMetrex will donate $5 to the American Heart Association.
You should do this. Your hooters are supposed to bring balance to The Force.

I wish that hooker I was with had one of these. It would have come in handy after I choked her to death. I could have taken the time for a "bio-sweep" instead of accidently cuddling the corpse and telling her how special she was. Stupid tattle-tale semen.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Lamp Shines on Your Junk. Is Disgusting.

The Oral Sex Light couldn't be more accurately named. There's not a whole lot more to say about it really. I think if you need a light to see what your doing down there, maybe you need to re-examine your relationship.

What are you afraid will jump out at you? Spiders? Bats, like in the opening sequence to "Scooby Doo, Where Are You"? If you're that unsure of your lover's cleanliness, maybe it's time to move on.

One time, my mom this chick was telling me that cunnilingus is the truest expression of love. I woulda shone the light right in her eyes, like a cop, and told her to shut the fuck up and quit cryin' if I had this sucker on.

Bluetooth-Enabled Burka Makes My Head Hurt.

The CharmingBurka is a bluetooth-enabled garment that sends an pre-chosen image of the wearer to any nearby,compatible device. The Burka is equipped with bluetooth antenna/micro-controller and uses the OBEX protocol, already working with most mobile phones.

This means that any devout Muslim woman can follow the tenants of the Koran, while still putting it out there to get their freak on.

I wore one of these to a bar last night, and broadcast a picture I THOUGHT was of a really well-hung stud-muffin. Turns out it was a tranny though. Stupid low-res thumbnails.

Now I have to figure out a way out of my date with Lance tonight, who's into "jazz" and "spooning"...whatever THAT means.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Armor for Cats is Sweet.

Jeff de Boer is an artist who believes that animals would be way more awesome if they were armored. He has been making suits of armor for animals since the early 90's. His works include battle suits for cats, dogs, and mice. Here's a link to a whole steaming pile of awesome.

I tried to put armor on my cat once. It just looked at me funny and later it had diarrhea in my shoe. Of course, by "armor" I mean I covered it in Silly String, and by "once" I mean "all the time". I hate that fucking cat.