Thursday, December 27, 2007
The Moo Moo USB toy is a pair of cows that you and your loved one hook up to the USB ports of your respective computers. The idea is, when you miss them you press a button on your USBovine and then theirs will start a soft and mournful lowing.
Sounds great because nothing says "I love you, you fucking cow." ... like a cow.
I have a better idea. How about you just drive over to her place and punch her in the head. You can make mooing sounds while you do it since that obviously helps in some way.
Friday, December 21, 2007
With the Holiday Guest season just around the corner, now is the perfect time to go out and get a set of Liquor Locks. For a mere 15 clams, the expandable stopper will prevent anyone without the combination from being a cheapskate, dirtbag, alcoholic (Uncle Pete, I'm looking at you!) and stealing your hard-earned booze.
Seems foolproof. Unless they can figure out the arcane and convoluted process of breaking glass. Tell you what, just mail me $15 and I'll make sure no one drinks your liquor. (*stares at the ceiling and whistles*)
I don't know...seems like I'd have to pick a combination like 1-1-1 because once I'm getting my drink on, carefully manipulating small dials is like asking me to lasso the Space Shuttle.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
-Karmic Kurt Sazaphoo-Who
Arbitrator Adolph Helperoo-Who
Gargling Genghis Karu-Who
Idi Amin :
Impressario Idi Aboo-Who
Gambling Gaylord Funny-goo-Who
Pedaling Pussy Giggle-boo-Who (hahahaha!)
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Scientists at Gyeongsang National University have fulfilled half of my dreams and invented cats that glow in the dark. They are the result of a manipulated fluorescent protein gene that was implanted into the mother cat. Their skin, when exposed to ultraviolet light emits faint glow especially around the eyes and the muzzle.
Fuck solving global warming, finding alternative fuel solutions, or curing cancer! These bastards glow in the dark! Think of the applications! You could go to a rave, tie your cat to a rope and swing it around like a Goddamn tether-ball. Everyone on acid would freak out and get naked, and that's when the lovin' would start. It's all highlighted in my master plan.
Actually,I think they must have read my email wrong. That's not quite what I had in mind when I placed my order. (Get it? ... hint: vagina)
Dec 18 1879
Happy Joseph Stalin's birthday!
Dec 18 1916
Bloodiest and longest battle of World War I ends, with the French defeating Germans at the Battle of Verdun. There were over 1 million casualties, and the Verdun ossuary contains bones of 100,000 unidentified soldiers.
Dec 18 1940
Hitler formulates plans, issued today as Directive 21, for the invasion of Russia. The intent of Operation Barbarossa was to destroy the Red Army. Fighting on two fronts eventually caused Germany's defeat.
Dec 18 1997
Monday, December 17, 2007
If they had gone through with this, I wonder if that would have meant that Humphrey Bogart would have been our 40th President? And would he have done a better job considering he had died 14 years prior to his election? I suppose we will never know. I suppose he would have been a little rotted and smelling on the campaign trail. Besides... he was too short to be president. No modern president was shorter than Bogart who stood, 5' 8"... but Bogart would have towered over James Madison who was only 5'4".
Sunday, December 16, 2007
What with all the terrorists running around snatching purses, nothing says "Don't touch my handbag or I'll kill you." like this little number made by James Platt. It's called "the Pursuader" (get it?), and goes for $289. It even holds a cell phone in the "clip".
The designer also recommends living in the woods and holding this sucker over your head and shouting "Wolverines!" when the Commies finally take over.
Jesus, all I need is one more reason to be intimidated by women. What's next? A rocket launcher that shoots tampons? Now THAT'S "feminine protection"!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Arachibutyrophobia — fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth
Aulophobia — fear of flutes
Automatonophobia — fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures or wax statues
Bolshephobia — fear of Bolsheviks
Coitophobia — fear of coitus, sex, or sexual intercourse
Coprastasophobia — fear of constipation
Coulrophobia — fear of clowns
Cyprianophobia — fear of prostitutes, venereal disease, or STDs
Defecaloesiophobia — fear of painful bowels movements
Dishabiliophobia — fear of undressing in front of someone
Dutchphobia — fear of the Netherlands, the Dutch, Dutch Culture
Ephebiphobia — fear of teenagers
Euphobia — fear of hearing good news
Geniophobia — fear of chins
Hadephobia — fear of hell (who isn't afraid of this)
Helminthophobia — fear of being infested with worms
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia — fear of long words
Homilophobia — fear of sermons
Kolpophobia — fear of genitals, particularly female
Lachanophobia — fear of vegetables
Lutraphobia —fear of otters
Medomalacuphobia — fear of losing an erection
Oneirogmophobia — fear of wet dreams
Papaphobia — fear of the Pope
Parthenophobia — fear of virgins or young girls
Pentheraphobia — fear of mother-in-law
Pogonophobia — fear of beards
Proctophobia — fear of rectums
Scriptophobia —fear of writing in public
Walloonphobia — fear of the Walloons
For a mere $425 you can buy these pills filled with 24K gold leaf to "Increase your internal worth".
Even if my feces were filled with gold, I would be at a loss as to what to do with it. It's not like you can put it in a gift box with a pretty silk ribbon and give it away to that "someone special" over a fancy dinner at a four star restaurant.
I mean, I couldn't...my aim wasn't good enough.
Here's the link if you're interested. Sicko.