Friday, October 31, 2008

Suction Cup makes Bathroom Sex Stable. Awkward.

The "Shower Power" is a giant suction cup that you can stick to any smooth surface, and creates a handle to better facilitate the awesomeness of your intimate encounters. Be it in the bathroom, the shower of the girl's locker room, or in the back of some featureless white van that no one even bats an eye when you rent despite the number of "watched" lists you are on, The Shower Power will help you get the job done.

I have sex in the bathroom all the time and I don't need this. My lady knows what to grip just fine on her own. And I don't necessarily mean to imply that my "lady" is my hand, but if you take it that way then that's on you, my very sleuthy perv-friend.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

"Fuck You" Umbrella is a Bad Idea.

This umbrella was made with this specific intention of pissing off God. Because that always seems like a good idea. He/She doesn't have a history of fucking people up when they make Him/Her angry. When your biggest piece of propaganda is a book that spends the first two chapters talking about how you like to decimate humanity indiscriminately, you are too bad-ass for me to pick a fight with you.

I think a better plan would be to just beat up some blind orphans. That way you can still anger The Almighty, without standing in a rainstorm holding, what amounts to a lightning rod, should He/She decide you are being too "dicky".

Besides, it would be's not like they would know to duck or anything.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Blow Up Sheep Has Sounds. Bad Puns.

The inflatable Talking Sheep "doll" is the first of it's kind to feature Action-Activated sounds, making it a lot like a burglar alarm, except instead of trying to slip into Old Man McMurry's house to steal his rare collection of postage stamps, you're trying to slip your cock into a plastic sheep. Fun Game!

I don't know it seems to me that any acts of simulated bestiality are better off kept quiet. It wouldn't do at all to be boning your pretend, wooly love machine and have some snooty high-class type walk into the coatroom because he heard it all the "baa"ing. Again. Oh, don't look at me like that. Like I'm the only one.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Asscakes May Not Be Appetizing

Good of Desire, a Hong Kong based retailer, is selling these delicious moon cakes. Get it? They are cakes called "moon cakes" but they're shaped like asses. I like when retailers are clever.You have your choice of several different phases, but I personally like the one with the hands spreading the cheeks. Mmmm mmm!

Because nothing says "classy" like a fully exposed anus. Ask anyone. You can start with the bitch at the bank who wouldn't roll my change for me. She knows what "classy" looks like. And now I know why they have all those cameras. Stupid mole.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Virginity Kit Announced. Geeks Rejoice.

The First Timer's Kit is an emergency medical response to the growing epidemic of people who aren't getting laid. Each kit comes with an informative textbook, kama sutra flash cards, an official diploma and 10 heroes of intercourse cards. One of the heroes is Shatner as Captain Kirk, in case anyone was wondering who the target demographic for this item was.

I tried to convince my significant other that it would be fun to play "go fish" with the Kama Sutra cards. But then I remembered my "significant other" is my hand. So we just played solitaire and wiped tears instead.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Cornbrator is Vegeterrible.

The Cornbrator is a... I even have to say anything. I think 'Hyper Wank Device" sorta says it all, no? I think more vegetables should be made sexy. I'm all about the Carroticism.

I like how they've incorporated "Sexual Harassment" right into the title. That made it easier to explain to the undercover lady cop in the bar who suddenly found this jammed up her ass. Allegedly.

Read more of teh funny in the Vox Nihilim Sidebar Archives!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Perfect Storm of Breasts,Beer Discovered.

The Boob Tube (link NSFW!!) is the perfect gift for the frat boy blackmailing you because of that mistake you made and your stupid state's statutory rape laws. (Screw You, D.A.!) It is elegant in its simplicity. It's a beer bong, only instead of drinking out of a tube, you drink out of a bewb. Not to be sexist, the company also makes a "Dong Bong" (still NSFW!) but I don't want to talk about that as it makes my penis jealous.

I don't know how those marketing guys got into my dreams, but if anyone puts out a sex doll shaped like a unicorn that shoots diamonds out of its ass when you orgasm inside of it, I am This guy I know is totally suing.

LifeClock Looks Great. Depressing.

The Life Clock is an invention of Bertrand Planes, and it measures actual years of your life instead of boring old time-of-day. Simply set the clock to your age and watch with growing despair and crippling depression as your time on Earth unflinchingly slips away from you. Fun!

If I had one of these I would totally use it to justify my alcoholism. I'd say "According to MY clock, I still have another 8 years of Happy Hour!" I would be saying this to my shoes, in a dark alley that smelled like feces, after puking my guts up on a dead rat. I mean...if all goes according to plan.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

New Periodic Table Is 100% Awesomer

The Periodic Table of Awesoments is the greatest thing mankind ever invented in the history of everything. If you don't believe me, look it up. It covers all the bits of awesomeness that make up the universe starting with elemental Bacon. From the website, The Dapperstache:

"In the 300 B.C., years before the birth of black Jesus, Aristotle postulated that all good things were made of "win." That was a pretty good guess, but he was drunk and probably also having an orgy."

Case closed, as far as I am concerned.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Beer Belt Perfect for Sports Fans. Alcoholics.

The Beer Belt is an ingenious device that allows you to wear your "Magical Issue Avoidance Juice" around your waist, giving you easier access to your blackouts. It's like a utility belt for alcoholics! The design is such that you can have up to four bottles on you at any given time thus saving your battered wife 3 unnecessary, time-wasting, trips to the fridge when she could be making your goddamn dinner. Sleeveless T-shirt and easy chair not included.

I had one of these, but I lost it in Washington DC. The Secret Service frowns upon people who hop the fence at the White House, crack open a cold one and start pissing on the lawn while yelling "Georgie! C'mon out, you redneck suminabitch!"
Apparently that Easter Egg Hunt is a tradition or something.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Alarm Clock Wakes With Pork

The Wake N' Bacon is a device created by God, specifically for me. It uses a bunch of electronic stuff that I don't understand to cook bacon for your enjoyment at a pre-selected time. No braying alarm...just the tangy, salty joy of wafting bacon smell.

Created by Matty Sallin, Daniel Bartolini and Hsiao-huh Hsu, the Wake N' Bacon is the perfect gift for the spouse who you are passive-aggressively trying to kill, or any other sweat-pant wearing acquaintance who has given up on their life.

I could have read the article, but there were a bunch of words I didn't know in there, so I just walked away from the computer and fucked a sock for a while. If I had this alarm clock I could have planned for Mom's getting home from work a little better and saved myself some embarrassment. Oh well, it's not like she's never seen THAT before.

Footrest Signals Robot Apocalypse

Robostool is a motorized footrest that follows you around the house using elaborate sensors and industrial strength wheels, waiting for you to need a place to rest your dogs. Built by a guy being dragged through a Bed, Bath, and Beyond, the Robostool attempts to find its core audience among those people too lazy to find a place to put up their feet on their own. Yay Sloth!

I bought one of these and I think the randy bugger is trying to get it on with the Roomba. Where's the part where it becomes self-aware and tries to take over the world? This thing just wants to bang my vacuum cleaner. This is the dumbest robot uprising ever.

A video of Robostool in "action": Here

Monday, August 4, 2008

Slutometer Counts Boyfriends. Mistakes.

The Slutometer is a handy gadget for the whore in your life. It allows her (or him for the man-whores) to keep a running tally of the faceless men (or women) they've screwed without the tedious chore of remembering names. Plus, it gives the denominator when trying to figure out the probability that any one faceless person they banged in drunken stupor gave them The Clap. Handy!

I found one of these in Mom's dresser drawer while I was sniffing her underwear stealing her change looking for the cure for HIV. It turns out you can't go higher than 999 on it. So HA! Mom's NOT a whore after all!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Segways Used In Olympic Prep. Terrorists Win.

In a bold move, the Chinese government has deployed thousands of armed troops on Segways to Bejing, to serve as a terrorism deterrent at the Olympic Games. Sources close to the Communist government said the thought was, that if they could get the terrorists laughing hard enough, maybe they'd just "...realize they are being dicks and go home."

Seriously. If I saw a guy coming at me fast on one of these things, it wouldn't matter if he was wielding a bazooka filled with cobras...I'd still laugh at him. I'd be all "You're such a dork!" and then he'd be all "Eat snake, terrorist!" and I'd be all "It looks like you're pooping!" and then I would succumb to my injuries. But I'd still be laughing at him.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

iPhone Peripheral Scares Parents, Cops.

iGiveUp is a neat peripheral you can make for your iPhone so that it looks like you're sticking a gun in your ear. Ha.Ha.Ha.

Get it?

It's funny because you'll make everyone within 10 feet of you shit their pants and need therapy.

Or better yet take it to the airport and start waving it around screaming "I need to make a call!" Those TSA guys will get a big kick out of it. They have the BEST sense of humor.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Massage Pants Answer My Prayers.

The Wenzhou Wonderful Massage Pants, manufactured by very impressive sounding "Wenzhou Wonderful Massage Equipment Co., Ltd.", are a dream come true. They feature 7 unique vibration "massagers" and a ring of infrared heaters. They allow for many different massage options, including a timed massage that you can set to last for up to 20 minutes...which for me, would be a new record.

They fit easily under your regular pants, so they can be easily worn anywhere... like to the bushes behind the elementary school playground or a restraining order court appearance or wherever.

I bought a pair of these last week. Mom found me several hours later, lying on the floor of the bathroom with the JCPenney catalog, passed out and bleeding from the head. Turns out, you can't let any moisture get to that battery pack. I probably took a couple hundred volts.

I'm pretty sure the pants worked great. Unfortunately, I can't remember too much because the heart attack made me blackout for a while.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Mousepad Cover Makes Your Life Sadder

Once again, Japan dominates as the single pervy-est place on the planet. This Skirt Mousepad cover is the perfect gift for the registered sex offender in your life. You simply put the mousepad inside the skirt and then start clicking away. You can scroll around and pretend that instead of messing around on the internet you're in the backseat of a rusty Impala in the parking lot before a Motley Crue concert.

It perfectly simulates those best three seconds of your life before the stupid vice cop arrested you for date rape. The only difference being a real girl doesn't stop working if you use too much hand lotion. Ziiinnnnggg!!

Monday, April 7, 2008

Potty Monkey Teaches / Scars Children.

The Potty Monkey is a stuffed animal that will teach your children the value of going to the bathroom on a toilet. Inside the cute plush there is a timer that the parent sets to go off at 30 to 90 minute intervals.

When the clock runs out the monkey asks the child to put it on the toilet and announces how much better it feels now. If the kid doesn't get it to the toilet in time it says "“Oh no! I had an accident! Please take me to the potty next time!",then it shits in their hand.

Okay... I made that "shits in their hand" part up.

I tried to do the same thing with my Mom, but I just ended up peeing all over myself every time. I wish I was a cuddly Piss Monkey and not an overweight computer dork living off Dad's Heart medication payments.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Glitter Gun Revolutionalizes Sluttiness

The Glitter Gun is the perfect gift for the ladies who are too pressed for time to manually apply that magical sparkle. For a paltry $8 you get the gun and 3 cartridges. Each cartridges hold 6 shots.

Last time I had need for one of these, me and my "date" were rushing out the door to go to some fancy gala. I said "Wait! Let's get you a little more whored-up" and then I shot her in the face. It was cathartic.

Mom looked so dazzling that night.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

New Sports Bra Tracks Heart Rate. Scares.

The NuMetrex Sports Bra contains a lower band of electron sensors that monitor your heart rate and then beams the information to a watch so that you can maximize your workout. It sells for $50 with a higher-end model (the F6), which also monitors calories and fat burned. Seems like a good deal, except now your tits look like Darth Vader.

It is available in five colors, but if you buy red or "razzleberry" NuMetrex will donate $5 to the American Heart Association.
You should do this. Your hooters are supposed to bring balance to The Force.

I wish that hooker I was with had one of these. It would have come in handy after I choked her to death. I could have taken the time for a "bio-sweep" instead of accidently cuddling the corpse and telling her how special she was. Stupid tattle-tale semen.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Lamp Shines on Your Junk. Is Disgusting.

The Oral Sex Light couldn't be more accurately named. There's not a whole lot more to say about it really. I think if you need a light to see what your doing down there, maybe you need to re-examine your relationship.

What are you afraid will jump out at you? Spiders? Bats, like in the opening sequence to "Scooby Doo, Where Are You"? If you're that unsure of your lover's cleanliness, maybe it's time to move on.

One time, my mom this chick was telling me that cunnilingus is the truest expression of love. I woulda shone the light right in her eyes, like a cop, and told her to shut the fuck up and quit cryin' if I had this sucker on.

Bluetooth-Enabled Burka Makes My Head Hurt.

The CharmingBurka is a bluetooth-enabled garment that sends an pre-chosen image of the wearer to any nearby,compatible device. The Burka is equipped with bluetooth antenna/micro-controller and uses the OBEX protocol, already working with most mobile phones.

This means that any devout Muslim woman can follow the tenants of the Koran, while still putting it out there to get their freak on.

I wore one of these to a bar last night, and broadcast a picture I THOUGHT was of a really well-hung stud-muffin. Turns out it was a tranny though. Stupid low-res thumbnails.

Now I have to figure out a way out of my date with Lance tonight, who's into "jazz" and "spooning"...whatever THAT means.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Armor for Cats is Sweet.

Jeff de Boer is an artist who believes that animals would be way more awesome if they were armored. He has been making suits of armor for animals since the early 90's. His works include battle suits for cats, dogs, and mice. Here's a link to a whole steaming pile of awesome.

I tried to put armor on my cat once. It just looked at me funny and later it had diarrhea in my shoe. Of course, by "armor" I mean I covered it in Silly String, and by "once" I mean "all the time". I hate that fucking cat.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Love Doll is for Dogs. Perverts.

The Hotdoll is exactly what it looks like. From the tip of it's orange nose to the pink hole below it's tail, this puppy screams "Love me!" Here's a snippet from Idealist :

This love doll for dogs is shaped to be grabbed easily by the dog’s paws like female hips. Hotdoll is designed in 2 sizes to be used by little dogs and by big ones! Its contrasted colors are made to be easily distinguished by dog’s eyes. The body is made by a plastic structure covered with a 1 cm technogel skin to create a soft and molle touch. All orange parts are made of rubber, that way the doll grips on the floor. The pink hole beside (most important part!) needs to be washed regularly for hygienic reasons.

Sure, it's easy to pass judgement on the dog fucker person who would buy this, but maybe they aren't using it as a way to pretend they're making sweet, sweet love to the neighbor's Boston Terrier. Maybe they are genuinely hoping that their dog will hump its way around the room with a sex toy stuck to his wang.

And maybe that dead hooker in my trunk liked being choked...

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Virginia is for Lovers. (of Balls!)


If you live in Virginia, be prepared to have your truck castrated. State Delegate Lionel Spruill was apparently driving with his daughter when she spotted balls hanging of the truck in front of her. "What is that, Daddy?" This led Lionel to propose a bill to ban truck balls from the state, saying they are distraction and therefore a hazard to drivers. Lionel also led the charge a few years back to bag baggy pants that revealed undergarments. This bill failed to pass, since the rest of the delegates like thong spotting just fine. If Lionel is successful in his truck castrating campaign, he is going to move on to bigger ballgames... a state mandate imposing castration as a fine for such offenses as rape, sexual harrassment, and, of course, parking in handicap parking spots. Good luck, Lionel. You'll need some big balls for the fight ahead.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Lamp Advertises Sex

This tasteful little number is designed so that it can be mounted over a bedroom door and announce to the world that you are having sex only feet away. It doesn't clarify whether or not you are with someone else, so it doesn't count as lying, as I see it.

It occurs to me that the very act of buying this thing, would insure you would never need it. I imagine the average demographic for it is like, 16-year old boys who like D&D a little too much.

I bought one a while ago, but I'm not sure if I left it on one morning, or if my parents are in my room fucking like he's going off to 'Nam next month. I've been sleeping on the sofa for a long time now. Stupid lamp.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Portable Strap Prevents Groping. Kills Morale.

I guess Japan has a problem with too much unsolicited grab-ass on its trains. That's why they're selling this portable strap. It won't prevent anyone from getting felt up (thank God) but it will help the victim narrow her list of suspects.

I'm not sure on this. Seems like an invitation to increase the amount of dry-humping women will be subjected to. And they hate that. Especially on line at the bank or at Tuesday Night Lamaze class.

The guy in the trench coat still looks like a flasher. You could put a boxing glove with the words "I'm a homosexual" on his hand, and I'd still think it was him. Because trench coats are for perverts. Ask anyone.

The probability of getting felt up on the way in to work for me is like 1:1. Hey. What can I say? It's dark. The heater's on. It's go time.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Sucker Born. Update in One Minute.

The last Sky Commuter Prototype test craft that remains in existence was auctioned off on Ebay last night for a staggering $131,700. The vehicle, which cost $6M (I use "M" for "million" because that's what "newsies" do) in research and development is the sole model that was not destroyed when the plant shut down for unknown reasons. That's right. Somebody out there DESTROYED a flying fucking car. Why not just punch God in the balls?

This sounds totally legit. Not like some guy glued some shit from the Deep Space Nine wrap auction together in his backyard. I totally would have bid on this, but I just spent all my money on Yeti musk.

Here's a link to the Ebay auction.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Office Collar Isolates. Looks Stupid.

The Office Collar was designed by Simone Brewster. They're constructed of white leather, and come in a variety of shapes depending on what sort of task you're assigned. The idea being, in open floor plan offices, it's better to look like a dog with a scratching problem then know...interact with people. I only wonder how you're supposed to know who you're sexually harassing if you can't see them? I guess you just have to roll the dice sometimes.

I used to have one of these, back when I worked as a school crossing guard. Stupid vehicular manslaughter charge. Some people sure know how to hold a grudge.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

New Bug Zappers for Date Rapists are Pink.

The new Taser C2 is a personal protector that’s taking aim at the violent, man-hating, female demographic. Available in Pink and Leopard skin prints, these little beauties are just what the doctor ordered for "discouraging" any aggressive, unwanted overtures.

I think this is a great idea. Get tasered really hurts. Stupid mall guards. They really should post "No Peeping" signs in the ladies changing rooms at Macy's...just as a fair warning or something.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Duck Lamp is Terrifying

This one-of-a-kind duck lamp is the work of Chilean artist Sebastian Errazuriz, and just goes to show that there are some new ideas under the sun. This one appears to have crawled out from under a rock.

I think putting this up in your office at work sends the right kind of message. It says "I kill things and turn them into scary lamps. Maybe you should ask someone else." And that is a surefire way to increase efficiency, which gives you more time for porn.

So now you're the scary freak with the headless duck lamp who watches porn all day. The PERFECT cubemate!

My work here is done.