Virginity Kit Announced. Geeks Rejoice.

The First Timer's Kit is an emergency medical response to the growing epidemic of people who aren't getting laid. Each kit comes with an informative textbook, kama sutra flash cards, an official diploma and 10 heroes of intercourse cards. One of the heroes is Shatner as Captain Kirk, in case anyone was wondering who the target demographic for this item was.

I tried to convince my significant other that it would be fun to play "go fish" with the Kama Sutra cards. But then I remembered my "significant other" is my hand. So we just played solitaire and wiped tears instead.

Cornbrator is Vegeterrible.

The Cornbrator is a... wait...do I even have to say anything. I think 'Hyper Wank Device" sorta says it all, no? I think more vegetables should be made sexy. I'm all about the Carroticism.

I like how they've incorporated "Sexual Harassment" right into the title. That made it easier to explain to the undercover lady cop in the bar who suddenly found this jammed up her ass. Allegedly.

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Perfect Storm of Breasts,Beer Discovered.

The Boob Tube (link NSFW!!) is the perfect gift for the frat boy blackmailing you because of that mistake you made and your stupid state's statutory rape laws. (Screw You, D.A.!) It is elegant in its simplicity. It's a beer bong, only instead of drinking out of a tube, you drink out of a bewb. Not to be sexist, the company also makes a "Dong Bong" (still NSFW!) but I don't want to talk about that as it makes my penis jealous.

I don't know how those marketing guys got into my dreams, but if anyone puts out a sex doll shaped like a unicorn that shoots diamonds out of its ass when you orgasm inside of it, I am This guy I know is totally suing.

LifeClock Looks Great. Depressing.

The Life Clock is an invention of Bertrand Planes, and it measures actual years of your life instead of boring old time-of-day. Simply set the clock to your age and watch with growing despair and crippling depression as your time on Earth unflinchingly slips away from you. Fun!

If I had one of these I would totally use it to justify my alcoholism. I'd say "According to MY clock, I still have another 8 years of Happy Hour!" I would be saying this to my shoes, in a dark alley that smelled like feces, after puking my guts up on a dead rat. I mean...if all goes according to plan.

New Periodic Table Is 100% Awesomer

The Periodic Table of Awesoments is the greatest thing mankind ever invented in the history of everything. If you don't believe me, look it up. It covers all the bits of awesomeness that make up the universe starting with elemental Bacon. From the website, The Dapperstache:

"In the 300 B.C., years before the birth of black Jesus, Aristotle postulated that all good things were made of "win." That was a pretty good guess, but he was drunk and probably also having an orgy."

Case closed, as far as I am concerned.

Beer Belt Perfect for Sports Fans. Alcoholics.

The Beer Belt is an ingenious device that allows you to wear your "Magical Issue Avoidance Juice" around your waist, giving you easier access to your blackouts. It's like a utility belt for alcoholics! The design is such that you can have up to four bottles on you at any given time thus saving your battered wife 3 unnecessary, time-wasting, trips to the fridge when she could be making your goddamn dinner. Sleeveless T-shirt and easy chair not included.

I had one of these, but I lost it in Washington DC. The Secret Service frowns upon people who hop the fence at the White House, crack open a cold one and start pissing on the lawn while yelling "Georgie! C'mon out, you redneck suminabitch!"
Apparently that Easter Egg Hunt is a tradition or something.

Alarm Clock Wakes With Pork

The Wake N' Bacon is a device created by God, specifically for me. It uses a bunch of electronic stuff that I don't understand to cook bacon for your enjoyment at a pre-selected time. No braying alarm...just the tangy, salty joy of wafting bacon smell.

Created by Matty Sallin, Daniel Bartolini and Hsiao-huh Hsu, the Wake N' Bacon is the perfect gift for the spouse who you are passive-aggressively trying to kill, or any other sweat-pant wearing acquaintance who has given up on their life.

I could have read the article, but there were a bunch of words I didn't know in there, so I just walked away from the computer and fucked a sock for a while. If I had this alarm clock I could have planned for Mom's getting home from work a little better and saved myself some embarrassment. Oh well, it's not like she's never seen THAT before.

Footrest Signals Robot Apocalypse

Robostool is a motorized footrest that follows you around the house using elaborate sensors and industrial strength wheels, waiting for you to need a place to rest your dogs. Built by a guy being dragged through a Bed, Bath, and Beyond, the Robostool attempts to find its core audience among those people too lazy to find a place to put up their feet on their own. Yay Sloth!

I bought one of these and I think the randy bugger is trying to get it on with the Roomba. Where's the part where it becomes self-aware and tries to take over the world? This thing just wants to bang my vacuum cleaner. This is the dumbest robot uprising ever.

A video of Robostool in "action": Here

Slutometer Counts Boyfriends. Mistakes.

The Slutometer is a handy gadget for the whore in your life. It allows her (or him for the man-whores) to keep a running tally of the faceless men (or women) they've screwed without the tedious chore of remembering names. Plus, it gives the denominator when trying to figure out the probability that any one faceless person they banged in drunken stupor gave them The Clap. Handy!

I found one of these in Mom's dresser drawer while I was sniffing her underwear stealing her change looking for the cure for HIV. It turns out you can't go higher than 999 on it. So HA! Mom's NOT a whore after all!