Massage Pants Answer My Prayers.

The Wenzhou Wonderful Massage Pants, manufactured by very impressive sounding "Wenzhou Wonderful Massage Equipment Co., Ltd.", are a dream come true. They feature 7 unique vibration "massagers" and a ring of infrared heaters. They allow for many different massage options, including a timed massage that you can set to last for up to 20 minutes...which for me, would be a new record.

They fit easily under your regular pants, so they can be easily worn anywhere... like to the bushes behind the elementary school playground or a restraining order court appearance or wherever.

I bought a pair of these last week. Mom found me several hours later, lying on the floor of the bathroom with the JCPenney catalog, passed out and bleeding from the head. Turns out, you can't let any moisture get to that battery pack. I probably took a couple hundred volts.

I'm pretty sure the pants worked great. Unfortunately, I can't remember too much because the heart attack made me blackout for a while.